Friday, November 1, 2013

A failure

People can tell me all they want that it's not my fault, but I don't know if I will ever fully believe it. I was the one who carried her, I was the one who was supposed to protect her. I was the one who worried that she didn't move as much as Mariah.

At my appointment a week before Evangeline was born I nonchalantly said, "This baby really doesn't move much compared to my other daughter... When should I worry?" I didn't scream that I was scared, I didn't ask for extra reassurance with an ultrasound... I just brushed it off nonchalantly and asked when I should worry. All I was told was "Well as long as the baby moves an hour a day you're ok." Of course the answer I was given didn't fully answer my question, so at the time I thought as long as I felt her move daily it was ok. I wasn't told to do kick counts and that the baby should move at least X number of times within that hour... Just if baby moves an hour out of the day it's ok.

I feel like I failed her. I should have told them I was scared at that appointment, because at that point in time I was... But they gave me that answer and she had a heartbeat at that appointment so I felt reassured that all was right in the world.

I feel like they failed her. I think that they assumed that since this was my second baby that I already knew everything.... But this pregnancy was so different than Mariah. Mariah was always moving, 24/7. And with Mariah I had gestational diabetes so I had extra monitoring, an added ultrasound and non-stress tests (these things could've saved Evangeline). Evangeline was my "easier" pregnancy... No gestational diabetes this time around so I think they just acted like since it was the easier one I wouldn't have questions and already knew what to expect. Evangeline didn't move much from the get go so there was no sudden decline in movement to alarm me. I just assumed that the less movement was because my two babies were different and I focused on the fact that this was my "easier" pregnancy.

I'm glad that Ryan can say that he did nothing wrong and know that it's the truth. There was nothing he could've done to save her. But since it was my body, I think I'm always going to feel like there was something I could have done to save her... And I failed her.


  1. If anyone failed Evangeline it would be the Dr. who gave you false information. Most people don't have all the information we should as we go through this life. I never knew of a kick count until now. We learn as we go and do the best we know how to. We do fall short at times but we can't let that define us or where would we be? You are the sum of everything you've done up to this point, which is a very good mother, very loving wife, wonderful sister and daughter, a dedicated and professional pharmacist, and a true friend. To be a failure would be to ignore everything you truly are and believe you are the sum of only one event you did the best with what information you were given. You will probably always wish you knew better and did things differently, but that is not the description of a failure, but a survivor who is determined to never let this happen to someone you love immensely ever again if you have anything to do about it. What words would you speak to Mariah if this happened to her? Those are the words that would only be fair to allow to consume your thoughts. You are very much loved and never thought of as anything close to a failure. Love you, Dawn

    1. Thank you, Dawn. I really needed your words today <3

  2. I am not trying to take away anything you think or feel. Those are very important to your healing and growth, I only want to encourage you to help you on your way.