Thursday, November 14, 2013


The other day while eating dinner Ryan asked what all we were going to make for Thanksgiving. I shrugged my shoulders and said "Really I don't feel like making anything..." I feel terrible saying that but last year Thanksgiving was when we told our parents we were expecting a baby.... I was so happy that day. And this year we were supposed to be thankful to have our baby here... And I'm not thankful this year, because she's not here.

Ryan said we should at least make it a good memory for Mariah, and I get that... But at the same time we are still having a family get together before Thanksgiving so she will remember that. She's four... If we eat turkey and all the sides a week or two before Thanksgiving with family that's practically Thanksgiving to her.

I feel like such a lousy person saying these things and I'm sure people think "You still have things to be thankful for..." Yes, I know I do, but I'm still too sad and angry at the world right now.... The only thing I really want to be thankful for this year is not true. I wanted to be thankful for making memories with my two beautiful children... And although I have two beautiful children, I've been robbed of ever making memories with one of them.

I'd much rather order chinese food, watch movies all day and forget that it's Thanksgiving day.

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