Saturday, March 8, 2014

She lights up my life

Today I attended a beautiful poetry gathering, to remember many dearly missed babies. At the front of the gathering there were 156 candles burning brightly to honor the short but precious lives of these special babies. A candle with Evangeline's name on it burned brightly nestled among the others.

At the end of the gathering it was announced that if one of the candles was for your child you could take it with you. I scooped up Evangeline's candle and held it close. Everyone else was blowing out their candles and taking them on their way, while I took hers back to my seat still burning.

I did not want to blow out the flame. The flicker from that candle meant far more to me than I had anticipated... Blowing out any ordinary candle is no big deal, but to me this flame was a special light brought into this earth because of my sweet daughter. Without Evangeline that candle would not have been lit. And so to extinguish that flicker, to blow out that flame was more difficult than I had imagined. So I sat there holding her candle, watching the flame burn brightly. Then, as a peace finally came over me, I was able to blow out the candle, knowing that it was not the only light that she has blessed us with, and that we will experience many more flickers of light because of her.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Marching in

March is upon us and in all honesty it has me terrified. March means that the month of May isn't too far away and I have no idea how the world has continued to turn these last 10 months. How has it been nearly 10 months since I lost my daughter? How does the world keep spinning without her in it? It is nice to see my friends babies grow and thrive but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have one hint of jealousy. In a way it pains me to see their happy, growing babies because my daughter should be doing all of those things now too. I just want to show pictures of her growing up like everyone else gets to do for their baby. But I'll never have that for Evangeline.

I should be planning her first birthday. I'm sure it would've been a magical day. But instead I get to try to plan her first birthday without her here.... What can I do to honor her? Will the small things I am able to do for her on her special day ever be enough for me to feel like her birthday was exactly what it should be? I'm afraid not.... No matter how special we make her day, no matter what memories are made it will never be exactly how it should be... Because she is not here to enjoy it.

I'm scared for May to come upon us. I used to love the month of May... The spring air, the flowers in bloom, birds chirping and my birthday sure made it a pleasant month. Now it's a marker of the most difficult month of my life. The reality that May doesn't just bring new life, it also takes life too. That's a hard reality to come to terms with. I am worried about Evangeline's birthday.... Will I be strong enough to celebrate her rather than wallow in sorrow? I hope so. But I think I'm more worried about my own birthday two days after hers. Last year my birthday really didn't matter to me. I didn't care that I was a year older or that people wished me a nice day, it didn't matter anymore. And I'm afraid that I'll always feel that way. How do I have a happy birthday? Because the birthday in May that matters more than my own birthday will never truly be the happy birthday it should be.