Defeated

Last year on Mariah's 4th birthday we did all kinds of fun things, and we also went to a 20 week ultrasound to see her sibling. I thought that a few short months from then Mariah would be playing at home with her baby sister. This year for Mariah's birthday we are farther away from that goal of her having a sibling at home to play with than we ever could have imagined. How is this even possible?!  No 8 month old baby crawling around our house giggling, and we're not even at least pregnant like last year.

To be comepletely honest, I am incredibly discouraged. Every day is hard to face knowing that we are nowhere near where I thought we would be. I am at my breaking point. I am ready to throw in the towel, rip out my uterus and say "screw it, I'm done with all of the heartache." I feel beaten down and defeated.

Baby's 1st Christmas

Dear Evangeline,

Happy first Christmas in heaven my beautiful girl. We are having a very nice morning with your big sister but we still miss you very much and wish you were here with us for your first Christmas. I'm sure you would love the Christmas lights and the wrapping paper. It is so bittersweet to be spending a happy day without you. I envisioned your big sister helping you to unwrap your presents this year... It would have been the perfect Christmas morning. Instead your presents are packed away in your closet.

You will be on my mind all day.

I hope you have a beautiful Christmas Day in heaven.

Love you forever,

Mommy

Every baby deserves to be celebrated

One thing that I really regret is that Evangeline's life was not celebrated more. I didn't have a baby shower because we didn't want or need gifts. Evangeline was our second child and I didn't want people to think we were greedy or tacky by having a second baby shower. It would not have been for the gifts at all. We did not need anything.

But it sure would have been nice to have a get together just to celebrate her life. Every baby deserves to be celebrated regardless if it's your first, second or tenth child. Every life is important and is deserving of that same level of excitement and love that the first child gets. I wish I would've had a celebration for Evangeline, because unfortunately we will never again have a chance to celebrate her like I thought we would. We will never have the opportunity to invite friends and family to birthday parties for our little Evangeline.

One thing is for certain, when we have another child down the road I will have some kind of celebration. Every child deserves all of the celebration that Evangeline will forever miss out on.

Branching out

In the last year and a half I've really become interested in genealogy. I've spent hours tracing back through my and Ryan's family trees. It's amazing to see where we came from, and everything our ancestors endured in order for us to be here. Before Evangeline was born I showed Ryan the connections I had made and said "Isn't is amazing that if something happened to one of these people, whether they died or didn't meet each other we wouldn't be here?"

Think about it, if one of my grandparents generations back died in childhood there would be a huge chunk of my family tree wiped clean. I wouldn't be here and many of my relatives wouldn't be here. The branches would have suddenly ended.

Now I look at our family tree and think about Evangeline. I had these hopes and dreams that she would one day have children and grandchildren of her own. But now I am faced with the reality that her branch on our tree will never grow. I will always wonder how many branches of our family tree are missing because my daughter isn't here.

Leave a penny

A couple of months ago a fellow loss mom friend of mine talked to me about how people leave pennies on gravesites to show that they visited. This was something I had never heard of and thought it was such a sweet idea. My friend said that when she visits her son's resting place she leaves a penny, and she has since started leaving pennies on other stones in the cemetery as well.

Today, after work I decided to take a drive. I drove the six miles from my work to the cemetery where my friend's sweet baby boy is buried. I had never been to this cemetery before and had no idea where in the cemetery this sweet boy was laid to rest, but I figured I would somehow be able to find it. The only bit of help I had was a photograph my friend had sent me a few months ago of her son's resting place.

I drove around the cemetery in the rain trying to look for his resting place, trying to use the other headstones as a guide. Originally I had planned to walk the cemetery looking at each headstone to find his resting place, but of course it was raining and my umbrella wasn't working. I drove around the cemetery 3 times and was starting to get really discouraged when I noticed I had driven right up to his gravesite.

I got out of my car, and felt the cold December rain coming down on me. I walked over to his grave, knelt down and cried for this deeply missed baby boy. I talked to Andrew and my Evangeline and told them they are both loved and missed. I wished them both a very special first Christmas in heaven,  along with all of the other sweet babies who are missed this year. As I walked away I blew them kisses to heaven. Even though it was cold and rainy, and I shed some tears, it was a very nice visit.

And I made sure to leave Andrew a bright, shiny penny before I left.

A belated Thanksgiving

On Thanksgiving I was bitter, sad and downright angry... But today I had an uplifting moment and wanted to acknowledge a few things I am thankful for in the midst of my sadness...

First, I am thankful to be Evangeline's mom. I held Evangeline her whole life. She was wanted and loved from the very beginning. Although I wish the outcome was different, I was reminded today that sometimes an opportunity is more important than the outcome. I had the opportunity to carry her and be her mom and I always will be her mom. She is my shining star and I am so honored to be her mom. I do still miss you dearly little girl, and I always will, but even though I will miss all of your milestones, I am still thankful to have had you, even just for a moment.

I am also thankful for the family and friends who have loved and supported us through our loss. Your love and willingness to listen has helped to give me a hand to pull me back out of that pit of despair and steady my steps. I'm sure it may be difficult to relate if you haven't been in my shoes, but please know I truly appreciate your willingness to try to understand where I am coming from.

I am deeply thankful for all of the wonderful, loving people I have met in my life because of Evangeline. There are so many lovely moms and dads I would never have met if it weren't for Evangeline. And even though I wish we all met under much different circumstances I take comfort in knowing that our beautiful, deeply missed babies brought us together.

They grow up too fast

I have a whole new perspective on the phrase "they grow up too fast." It's NEVER too fast... I'd rather have it be "too fast" than never grow up at all. I know people use that phrase because they feel like they blink and their child is already one, then in kindergarten, high school, etc... And believe me I used to say that with Mariah... But now... Now my days are going too fast for another reason.

It's been too long since I've gotten to hold my baby at all... I wouldn't mind holding her as an almost 7 month old wondering where the time has gone and thinking "they grow up too fast." But instead I just  try to picture the only day I got to hold her and wonder where the time has gone. How has it been so long since I held her in my arms? What I wouldn't do to see her as a happy little 7 month old... She could grow up as fast as ever and I'd be as happy as can be. I only ever get to remember her as the newborn baby girl who never had that chance.

"They grow up too fast"... Or sometimes they don't grow up at all. *sigh*

Bah humbug

Yesterday we went to chop down our Christmas tree. I tried to have a good day, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help thinking about how this should be Evangeline's first Christmas. Tears filled my eyes as we listened to Christmas music on the drive there, again when we walked around to find our perfect tree, and once again when we were putting decorations on the tree at home. Our little girl should have been with us on the car ride there. I should've carried her around the farm to pick out our perfect tree. She should've been playing on the floor while big sister Mariah helped put ornaments on the tree...

This time of year is something I always look forward to. Some years I can't even wait until after Thanksgiving to start decorating. Ryan usually laughs at how early I am with decorations... But this year, if it wasn't for Mariah I wouldn't do anything.

I'm not cheerful or joyous this holiday season. I am hurting, and the pain is unbareable. I've cried more in the last week than I have in months. The holidays are too difficult to face when you have a broken heart and an empty crib.