Monday, January 20, 2014


Heaven seems so far away,
But I'll make it there someday.
Just to hold you in my arms again
Will be more than worth the wait.
I wonder what you're doing
In that castle in the sky.
The days without you are very hard
But for you each day I try.
I try my best to honor your memory
And keep you close to mind,
I think of you each and every day
In all of the beauty that I find.
I still miss you in each day that passes,
But I remind myself in the end,
Each day is a day closer
To when we meet again.
Heaven seems so far away
But I'll make it there someday.
Just to hold you in my arms again
Will be more than worth the wait.


Thursday, January 9, 2014

An ocean of grief

I feel like I've been in a shipwreck in the middle of the ocean.  It's as though I was enjoying a trip at sea over eight months ago when all of a sudden a violent storm came crashing in and pummeled the boat. In the days following I needed to find something to keep me afloat. Little pieces of hope, people throwing me lifelines were the only things that could save me.

Eight months later I have days where I feel like I'm peacefully floating on a raft and there are bits of sunshine that peek out from behind the clouds. I try to soak up the sun and tell myself that there is a world of sunshine to enjoy and maybe I'll eventually find my way back to land... back to the world I knew before.

But there are still very dark days too. There are days when I feel like my raft is gone, and I've struggled for far too long to stay afloat. I fight and fight but I'm too weak and am beginning to drown. I pray for something, someone to pull me back up as I'm slowly sinking beneath the water... My lungs starting to fill with water.  I need to find a way out of the depths of the ocean. Today is one of those days.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Eight months

Dear Evangeline,

This month you would've turned 8 months old.... Eight month old babies are crawling, babbling, eating finger foods and have developed little personalities... And all I can remember you as is the innocent little newborn who never had a chance to take a breath of air in this world. I'm still so sad that you are missing out on everything I ever imagined for you.

But I want you to know that as much as I am sad that you are missing out on so much, I am still so proud of you. I am so proud to be your mama and I know that you must've fought so hard to stay with us... I just wish we would've known that you were struggling and we could've done something to save you. I would've done anything to have you here with us.

The days haven't really gotten any easier without you here... I've just come to the realization that I'm forced to live without you here, so I try my best to face each day as best I can. I still miss you so much everyday... My heart will always ache for you.

How I wish I could hold you in my arms again and kiss your sweet head. Please visit me in my dreams. I love you so much, beautiful girl.

Love you forever,


Monday, January 6, 2014

Mariah's new playroom

Today I finally transformed the yellow room upstairs from Evangeline's room into Mariah's playroom. I carefully boxed up all of Evangeline's belongings that were laying inside the crib, put all of the bedding into a bag, and dismantled the crib. I cried as I looked through her things, and again as I took each piece of the crib apart knowing that it didn't need to be used.

It was so incredibly hard but I know it was the right thing to do. Mariah's kitchen set and easel sat in our garage the last year because we didn't have anywhere in the house to put them. Evangeline's room has been empty and I knew that by putting toys in there Mariah hasn't been able to play with would bring a little bit of joy back into that room. I left the rocking chair in there because I know I'll still use that room for my quiet time and to think of Evangeline, but at least the room will be used for more than just that now.

Ryan questioned it and said "why are you taking it down when we'll probably just end up putting it right back up?" And believe me, I hope that's the case, but right now we have at least another 9 months before we'll need a crib up there because we aren't even pregnant yet, so at least the room will be of use for now. And maybe not having the crib there will help a little... Trying to conceive after our heartbreaking loss is very stressful and I'm hoping this will help ease the pain of having an empty room... Although I know my heart will always ache for all of the hopes and dreams I imagined for that room.