Each month that passes by is just another reminder of what we are still missing from our lives. Each month begins with the hope that maybe, just maybe we will be able to catch our rainbow and so we cling to the thought of someday bringing home a baby to bring us much needed joy. The month is filled with worry, uncertainty, pleas, and a flicker of hope. And then, the end of the month comes and we see only one little line... One little line that throws me back into that pit of despair, because that one little line means that we still haven't caught our rainbow. Then my body agrees with that one little line and sheds the lining that I prayed would be the cushiony home for a new life.
Each month of trying to conceive since we lost Evangeline has been so difficult. Emotionally it's hard for several reasons. First, it is difficult to imagine trying to have another baby because we aren't trying to replace her. We are trying to share this love we have with a sibling for our girls. It's so mentally draining to feel kicked when you're down. The feeling of failing at the one thing that may really help you in your healing is very disheartening. When we were trying to get pregnant with Evangeline there was a slight disappointment when the test was negative and my period decided to show up. Now, that disappointment is on a whole new level. It is gut wrenching, agonizing, and often filled with tears.
It is also hard to see the people around me get pregnant with ease or unexpectedly. Don't get me wrong, Mariah was our pleasant surprise so I have absolutely nothing wrong with surprise babies, and I know these people love their babies as much as anyone who actively tries to conceive, it is just so hard to know that month after month we failed to achieve what these people got unexpectedly.
I just long for that idea of bringing home a baby again.