Thursday, September 26, 2013

Remembering you

Dear Evangeline,

This weekend I will walk to remember you. I will hear someone else say your beautiful name, as well as the names of so many other babies gone way too soon. I will light a candle, I will cry, and I will be so proud to be your mom.

I'm so thankful that there are remembrance ceremonies to celebrate your short but meaningful life. You are our daughter, and you will always be an important part of our lives. I'm glad other people will acknowledge you as our very missed baby girl.

I'm always so sad that other families have to know what this pain feels like. But I'm so grateful that there are people who understand, and we can all lean on each other on our journeys. It is because of you, Evangeline that I have met so many other beautiful, loving moms and dads. They too have babies they can only hold in their hearts, and just as they will always remember their sweet babies, I will remember them too. Although I wish I met them under different circumstances I am so glad to have them in my life.

As I walk for you this weekend I want you to know:

You are missed. You are remembered. You are loved.

Love you forever,


Tuesday, September 24, 2013

A place to rock you

Dear Evangeline,

Last night I slept in your room on the rocking recliner. When your big sister was a baby that's where I used to wake up and rock her multiple times a night. I would sing songs to her, and snuggle with her. That recliner is where I had hoped to do those things with you. But now all I get to do is sit there, cry and try to sleep.

I wish more than anything I could rock you in that chair. I wouldn't mind waking up multiple times a night. The exhaustion from being up so often with you would be worth it. It would certainly be much nicer than the exhaustion I have every morning from not sleeping well because I miss you.

I know other moms have the right to vent, I just wish I could gently tell them to enjoy those sleepless nights. Enjoy every second of it. I would give anything for those kinds of sleepless nights. I wish I could be a tired mom whose baby was keeping her up all night, rather than the tired mom who misses her baby.

Tonight I will sleep on the recliner in your room again. I will sing to you, shed a few tears, and pray I get to see you in my dreams.

Love you forever,


Thursday, September 19, 2013

A Photo of my Girl

I've been really reluctant to share a photo of Evangeline outside of our immediate families. But just like any mom I want to show off my beautiful girl too. And I figure my family and friends who care enough to read my blog might care enough to want to see her picture.... And well, if you don't want to see her picture, you don't have to look. You can exit out of this post, and I will never know, so you don't have to worry about offending me.

Although there is so much sadness in this picture, there is also soo much love and that's what allows me to crack the tiniest hint of a smile when I look at it. The love we had (and still have) for our Evangeline cannot be measured. It overflows and will never die. It was incredibly hard to take photos with our girl knowing they would be our first and last family photos with our baby girl. But we did, so we will always have these memories to cling to.

Our beautiful angel, Evangeline

I'm a little sad that Mariah is not included, but at the time, we decided not to have Mariah come to the hospital. We were a complete mess and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it together enough for Mariah's sake. Evangeline was born on Tuesday, and I didn't work up enough courage to tell her what happened until Saturday... And that was pretty much because Ryan said we had to tell her at that point. Eventually I would like to find a portrait artist who could draw my two girls together. They may not have met face to face, but Mariah still has a strong bond with her baby sister.

Thanks for letting me share our beautiful girl with you.

Monday, September 16, 2013


Dear Evangeline,

As the end of the year approaches so do all of the holidays that come along with it. And to be completely honest, I am not looking forward to the holidays this year. I don't want to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas without you.

I already had a Halloween costume for you to wear. You were going to be a little duck, and I was going to stroll you from house to house while your big sister trick-or-treated. Daddy would hand out candy at our house for a while and then we would switch and daddy would take Mariah to some houses while you and I sat on the front porch.

Thanksgiving last year was the day that your daddy and I announced you would be joining our family. We said Mariah was thankful to be a big sister in May. This year we were supposed to be thankful that you were here with us... And instead I don't really have anything that I'm thankful for this year. This year has been awful.

Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. I love the music, food, decorations, and happy atmosphere. Call me Scrooge, but this year I just want to hide inside the house and not deal with any of it. I will still enjoy watching your big sister open her presents but I will be sad at the same time. Your closet is full of toys that Santa was supposed to bring for you this Christmas. They have been  there since January.

I had so much of your first year already planned out and now I just have to walk by those "baby's 1st" holiday bibs trying not to cry, because these are supposed to be YOUR 1st holidays too.

I wish you were here for me to snuggle on the special holidays, and every ordinary day too.

Love you forever,


Sunday, September 8, 2013

4 months

Yesterday was four months since we brought our Evangeline into the world.... And today is four months from the very last time I saw her, the very last time I held her, and the very last time I kissed her as I was wheeled out of my hospital room, out to the car that was supposed to be her ride home too.

Yesterday we went to a family member's wedding.... So we were easily distracted from the significance on the day. But I still thought of my girl often throughout the day, and I still let my mind wonder about how big she would be and what she would be doing at 4 months old. I was so happy to be at my cousin's wedding... But it was still really hard, because instead of people coming up to ask to see pictures of our baby girl and ask how big she was getting we had a few people who came up to say sorry to us, and say they were thinking of us. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad they talked to us and brought her up, I just wish we were able to talk about my beautiful girl under different circumstances.

Today I keep thinking about how hard it was to leave her side 4 months ago knowing it was forever. I can still remember holding her little fingers in my hand, dressing her in her beautiful blue and white gown, kissing her forehead and falling asleep with her in my arms. I worry that as the months and years go by these memories will fade and I will have very little of her memory to cling to. In the future, even if it's difficult to remember the details of my short time with Evangeline, I hope I will always remember the emotions... The love I felt in holding her and the heartache I had in leaving her side, because both show just how much she means to me now, and always will in the years ahead.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Elephant in the Room

Today I get to share in a very special day for one of my beautiful cousins. I'm so incredibly happy for her to be marrying the love of her life, and I'm so happy to be there with them to celebrate the love in their lives. But as difficult as it is to admit, in a way I'm not looking forward to it... It has nothing at all to do with her wedding, it has everything to do with me.

This is the first time I will see my extended family since we lost Evangeline exactly 4 months ago today. I don't want to be that elephant in the room. You know, the person people are afraid to say anything to, so they stand very far away and just stare your way, not sure what to do. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me... Like my daughter dying is contagious or something, so they don't come too close. I want them to know it's ok to talk to me, and it's ok to talk about her if they wish... I might cry, I might not... but it's ok either way.

I'm afraid that me being there may put a damper on the atmosphere of the wedding... It's such a happy event, and I don't want my sadness to show or have it affect anyone else there. This is a day to celebrate, and I don't want anything less than that for my dear cousin.

But I just can't help it, I'm sad and afraid today.