Tuesday, June 11, 2013

The cause

According to all of the reports my daughter Evangeline was perfectly healthy.

 What took her from us? Her umbilical cord. We knew the cord was wrapped around her neck twice when she came out but they still wanted to do testing to see if any other factors played into her death and maybe she had gotten tangled in her cord after she had already passed away... Nope, she was a perfectly healthy little girl, and all of my bloodwork came back fine.

This is such a double edged sword. In one way I should be grateful that it's not a genetic disorder or something in my body that could reoccur because it should ease my anxiety for future pregnancies. We will still get added care, but it's not a condition that should present sgain. But at the same time I just want to scream "She was healthy, she was perfect.... WHY?!?!" I'm sure I would have found something to be upset and angry about with any cause of death... But a freak accident from the one thing that was supposed to provide her with life just kills me inside.

I'm just at a loss as to why my perfect baby girl had to leave me. If I would have gone into labor just a day before that she might be in my arms, perfectly healthy. I know these freak accidents happen (and more often than you would think) but it doesn't make me feel any better to know that other moms and dads go through this too... It shouldn't happen... It's just not fair. There is no reason at all that my perfectly healthy, sweet, innocent baby girl should not be here in my arms.

I wonder if it was painful to her? I wonder if the last time I felt her little rump on the side of my belly was when she gave one last struggle to get away from the cord? I will never know... I patted her little butt and talked to her then... And if those were her last moments struggling to free herself, I just hope she was able to feel my love when I patted her and talked to her one last time in the midst of her struggle.

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