Tomorrow morning, at 7:45 am I have a follow up appointment at my ob's office. They scheduled my appointment earlier than any other appointment for the day so I wouldn't have to be around any of the happy pregnant women. I'm glad they knew that wouldn't be good for me, but I shouldn't have to worry about having earlier appointments... I should be able to walk in there with my newborn for them to ooh and aah over.
We may find out more answers as to what took our daughter from us... I'm scared. A part of me wants to know what happened, and the other part of me is too afraid to know. What if it ends up being something I could have done differently or something my own body did to cause her to die before she ever got a chance to really live? Knowing a cause of death can help us in future pregnancies to know what added care I may need, but it may be too painful to hear if it was something me or my body did to her. Yes, I know in the end I can't blame myself... But it's so hard not to... I was the one who carried her, I was the one who was supposed to protect her from the moment she was conceived, I was the one who was supposed to bring her into this world safely.
And what if there are no answers, what if they can't tell us why she had to come home with us in an urn and not in our arms? That won't bring me any closure or help me through a future pregnancy. I will constantly just be in fear that another baby will die for an unknown reason and I will feel just as helpless and won't be able to save my baby just like I couldn't save or protect Evangeline.
I'm also so afraid to discuss future pregnancies with my doctor. Yes, I want another baby so badly. I want to bring a baby home in my arms. I just know that no matter if we wait 1 month, 1 year or 1 decade I will worry through an entire pregnancy. My daughter was born at 37 weeks... 37 weekers are supposed to live. When you get to that point in a pregnancy you are completely expecting to bring home a healthy baby... And I didn't. Now I will never reach a point in pregnancy where I can feel relaxed, knowing that my baby is of viable age... Because even that doesn't always ensure a baby to take home in your arms.
I'll just have to walk into that room holding my breath and staring at the wall the whole time... Just as I did at my 1 week follow up appointment. I sat in the chair and just wanted to run out of the office screaming "this cannot be my life" but I was too beaten down emotionally to get up off the chair.
Tomorrow I'm afraid I will feel just the same.