This grief journey after a stillbirth is like a roller coaster. When we were driving to the hospital as I was in labor we were making our way up the biggest hill... We were on such a high to meet our child... Her birth became the huge drop down... We fell into such a deep pit. Day by day I've been trying to work my way up the next hill and slowly but surely I do.... Until something happens that throws me back down and I have to climb my way back up again.
I have had a few better days in a row recently. I didn't cry... I still thought of Evangeline everyday but I didn't cry... Then all of a sudden something had to happen today to throw me back down into the pit that I've been struggling so hard to overcome.
A phone call....
Her: but YOU didn't have a baby, did you?"
Me (crying): yes, I had a baby... She died... But I HAD a baby.
My baby didn't survive... But please don't act as though she didn't exist. Yes, I had a baby and she is very real to me even though the rest of the world doesn't acknowledge her existence.