Yesterday we went to chop down our Christmas tree. I tried to have a good day, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help thinking about how this should be Evangeline's first Christmas. Tears filled my eyes as we listened to Christmas music on the drive there, again when we walked around to find our perfect tree, and once again when we were putting decorations on the tree at home. Our little girl should have been with us on the car ride there. I should've carried her around the farm to pick out our perfect tree. She should've been playing on the floor while big sister Mariah helped put ornaments on the tree...
This time of year is something I always look forward to. Some years I can't even wait until after Thanksgiving to start decorating. Ryan usually laughs at how early I am with decorations... But this year, if it wasn't for Mariah I wouldn't do anything.
I'm not cheerful or joyous this holiday season. I am hurting, and the pain is unbareable. I've cried more in the last week than I have in months. The holidays are too difficult to face when you have a broken heart and an empty crib.
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