tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28013949939362586322024-03-12T23:05:13.671-04:00My Angel EvangelineAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.comBlogger81125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-69908551234429213432014-03-08T21:09:00.001-05:002014-03-08T21:09:29.855-05:00She lights up my lifeToday I attended a beautiful poetry gathering, to remember many dearly missed babies. At the front of the gathering there were 156 candles burning brightly to honor the short but precious lives of these special babies. A candle with Evangeline's name on it burned brightly nestled among the others.<br />
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At the end of the gathering it was announced that if one of the candles was for your child you could take it with you. I scooped up Evangeline's candle and held it close. Everyone else was blowing out their candles and taking them on their way, while I took hers back to my seat still burning.<br />
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I did not want to blow out the flame. The flicker from that candle meant far more to me than I had anticipated... Blowing out any ordinary candle is no big deal, but to me this flame was a special light brought into this earth because of my sweet daughter. Without Evangeline that candle would not have been lit. And so to extinguish that flicker, to blow out that flame was more difficult than I had imagined. So I sat there holding her candle, watching the flame burn brightly. Then, as a peace finally came over me, I was able to blow out the candle, knowing that it was not the only light that she has blessed us with, and that we will experience many more flickers of light because of her.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-77628733303718278192014-03-01T23:35:00.001-05:002014-03-01T23:35:15.165-05:00Marching inMarch is upon us and in all honesty it has me terrified. March means that the month of May isn't too far away and I have no idea how the world has continued to turn these last 10 months. How has it been nearly 10 months since I lost my daughter? How does the world keep spinning without her in it? It is nice to see my friends babies grow and thrive but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have one hint of jealousy. In a way it pains me to see their happy, growing babies because my daughter should be doing all of those things now too. I just want to show pictures of her growing up like everyone else gets to do for their baby. But I'll never have that for Evangeline.<br />
<br />
I should be planning her first birthday. I'm sure it would've been a magical day. But instead I get to try to plan her first birthday without her here.... What can I do to honor her? Will the small things I am able to do for her on her special day ever be enough for me to feel like her birthday was exactly what it should be? I'm afraid not.... No matter how special we make her day, no matter what memories are made it will never be exactly how it should be... Because she is not here to enjoy it.<br />
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I'm scared for May to come upon us. I used to love the month of May... The spring air, the flowers in bloom, birds chirping and my birthday sure made it a pleasant month. Now it's a marker of the most difficult month of my life. The reality that May doesn't just bring new life, it also takes life too. That's a hard reality to come to terms with. I am worried about Evangeline's birthday.... Will I be strong enough to celebrate her rather than wallow in sorrow? I hope so. But I think I'm more worried about my own birthday two days after hers. Last year my birthday really didn't matter to me. I didn't care that I was a year older or that people wished me a nice day, it didn't matter anymore. And I'm afraid that I'll always feel that way. How do <i><b>I</b></i> have a happy birthday? Because the birthday in May that matters more than my own birthday will never truly be the happy birthday it should be.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-28989681772544011592014-01-20T11:53:00.000-05:002014-01-20T11:53:06.516-05:00SomedayHeaven seems so far away,<br />
But I'll make it there someday.<br />
Just to hold you in my arms again<br />
Will be more than worth the wait.<br />
I wonder what you're doing<br />
In that castle in the sky.<br />
The days without you are very hard<br />
But for you each day I try.<br />
I try my best to honor your memory<br />
And keep you close to mind,<br />
I think of you each and every day<br />
In all of the beauty that I find.<br />
I still miss you in each day that passes,<br />
But I remind myself in the end,<br />
Each day is a day closer<br />
To when we meet again.<br />
Heaven seems so far away<br />
But I'll make it there someday.<br />
Just to hold you in my arms again<br />
Will be more than worth the wait.<br />
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<br /></div>
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Love,</div>
<div>
Mommy</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-10202215940645591922014-01-09T10:50:00.001-05:002014-01-09T10:50:37.571-05:00An ocean of griefI feel like I've been in a shipwreck in the middle of the ocean. It's as though I was enjoying a trip at sea over eight months ago when all of a sudden a violent storm came crashing in and pummeled the boat. In the days following I needed to find something to keep me afloat. Little pieces of hope, people throwing me lifelines were the only things that could save me.<div>
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Eight months later I have days where I feel like I'm peacefully floating on a raft and there are bits of sunshine that peek out from behind the clouds. I try to soak up the sun and tell myself that there is a world of sunshine to enjoy and maybe I'll eventually find my way back to land... back to the world I knew before.</div>
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But there are still very dark days too. There are days when I feel like my raft is gone, and I've struggled for far too long to stay afloat. I fight and fight but I'm too weak and am beginning to drown. I pray for something, someone to pull me back up as I'm slowly sinking beneath the water... My lungs starting to fill with water. I need to find a way out of the depths of the ocean. Today is one of those days.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-91407242852236786232014-01-08T00:06:00.000-05:002014-01-08T00:06:10.060-05:00Eight monthsDear Evangeline,<br />
<br />
This month you would've turned 8 months old.... Eight month old babies are crawling, babbling, eating finger foods and have developed little personalities... And all I can remember you as is the innocent little newborn who never had a chance to take a breath of air in this world. I'm still so sad that you are missing out on everything I ever imagined for you.<br />
<br />
But I want you to know that as much as I am sad that you are missing out on so much, I am still so proud of you. I am so proud to be your mama and I know that you must've fought so hard to stay with us... I just wish we would've known that you were struggling and we could've done something to save you. I would've done anything to have you here with us.<br />
<br />
The days haven't really gotten any easier without you here... I've just come to the realization that I'm forced to live without you here, so I try my best to face each day as best I can. I still miss you so much everyday... My heart will always ache for you.<br />
<br />
How I wish I could hold you in my arms again and kiss your sweet head. Please visit me in my dreams. I love you so much, beautiful girl.<br />
<br />
Love you forever,<br />
<br />
MommyAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-12487558306841410402014-01-06T18:37:00.002-05:002014-01-06T18:37:38.263-05:00Mariah's new playroomToday I finally transformed the yellow room upstairs from Evangeline's room into Mariah's playroom. I carefully boxed up all of Evangeline's belongings that were laying inside the crib, put all of the bedding into a bag, and dismantled the crib. I cried as I looked through her things, and again as I took each piece of the crib apart knowing that it didn't need to be used.<br />
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It was so incredibly hard but I know it was the right thing to do. Mariah's kitchen set and easel sat in our garage the last year because we didn't have anywhere in the house to put them. Evangeline's room has been empty and I knew that by putting toys in there Mariah hasn't been able to play with would bring a little bit of joy back into that room. I left the rocking chair in there because I know I'll still use that room for my quiet time and to think of Evangeline, but at least the room will be used for more than just that now.<br />
<br />
Ryan questioned it and said "why are you taking it down when we'll probably just end up putting it right back up?" And believe me, I hope that's the case, but right now we have at least another 9 months before we'll need a crib up there because we aren't even pregnant yet, so at least the room will be of use for now. And maybe not having the crib there will help a little... Trying to conceive after our heartbreaking loss is very stressful and I'm hoping this will help ease the pain of having an empty room... Although I know my heart will always ache for all of the hopes and dreams I imagined for that room.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-28471654010794242582013-12-31T09:47:00.000-05:002013-12-31T09:47:02.554-05:00DefeatedLast year on Mariah's 4th birthday we did all kinds of fun things, and we also went to a 20 week ultrasound to see her sibling. I thought that a few short months from then Mariah would be playing at home with her baby sister. This year for Mariah's birthday we are farther away from that goal of her having a sibling at home to play with than we ever could have imagined. How is this even possible?! No 8 month old baby crawling around our house giggling, and we're not even at least pregnant like last year.<br />
<br />
To be comepletely honest, I am incredibly discouraged. Every day is hard to face knowing that we are nowhere near where I thought we would be. I am at my breaking point. I am ready to throw in the towel, rip out my uterus and say "screw it, I'm done with all of the heartache." I feel beaten down and defeated.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-83741540572428130632013-12-25T12:00:00.001-05:002013-12-25T12:00:04.479-05:00Baby's 1st ChristmasDear Evangeline,<br />
<br />
Happy first Christmas in heaven my beautiful girl. We are having a very nice morning with your big sister but we still miss you very much and wish you were here with us for your first Christmas. I'm sure you would love the Christmas lights and the wrapping paper. It is so bittersweet to be spending a happy day without you. I envisioned your big sister helping you to unwrap your presents this year... It would have been the perfect Christmas morning. Instead your presents are packed away in your closet.<br />
<br />
You will be on my mind all day.<br />
<br />
I hope you have a beautiful Christmas Day in heaven.<br />
<br />
Love you forever,<br />
<br />
MommyAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-80576138379782183602013-12-10T10:19:00.001-05:002013-12-10T14:27:08.831-05:00Every baby deserves to be celebratedOne thing that I really regret is that Evangeline's life was not celebrated more. I didn't have a baby shower because we didn't want or need gifts. Evangeline was our second child and I didn't want people to think we were greedy or tacky by having a second baby shower. It would not have been for the gifts at all. We did not need anything.<br />
<br />
But it sure would have been nice to have a get together just to celebrate her life. Every baby deserves to be celebrated regardless if it's your first, second or tenth child. Every life is important and is deserving of that same level of excitement and love that the first child gets. I wish I would've had a celebration for Evangeline, because unfortunately we will never again have a chance to celebrate her like I thought we would. We will never have the opportunity to invite friends and family to birthday parties for our little Evangeline.<br />
<br />
One thing is for certain, when we have another child down the road I will have some kind of celebration. Every child deserves all of the celebration that Evangeline will forever miss out on.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-41249253716133013962013-12-07T14:09:00.000-05:002013-12-07T14:09:04.536-05:00Branching outIn the last year and a half I've really become interested in genealogy. I've spent hours tracing back through my and Ryan's family trees. It's amazing to see where we came from, and everything our ancestors endured in order for us to be here. Before Evangeline was born I showed Ryan the connections I had made and said "Isn't is amazing that if something happened to one of these people, whether they died or didn't meet each other we wouldn't be here?"<br />
<br />
Think about it, if one of my grandparents generations back died in childhood there would be a huge chunk of my family tree wiped clean. I wouldn't be here and many of my relatives wouldn't be here. The branches would have suddenly ended.<br />
<br />
Now I look at our family tree and think about Evangeline. I had these hopes and dreams that she would one day have children and grandchildren of her own. But now I am faced with the reality that her branch on our tree will never grow. I will always wonder how many branches of our family tree are missing because my daughter isn't here.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-80473548870334942902013-12-06T21:30:00.002-05:002013-12-06T21:30:57.068-05:00Leave a pennyA couple of months ago a fellow loss mom friend of mine talked to me about how people leave pennies on gravesites to show that they visited. This was something I had never heard of and thought it was such a sweet idea. My friend said that when she visits her son's resting place she leaves a penny, and she has since started leaving pennies on other stones in the cemetery as well.<br />
<br />
Today, after work I decided to take a drive. I drove the six miles from my work to the cemetery where my friend's sweet baby boy is buried. I had never been to this cemetery before and had no idea where in the cemetery this sweet boy was laid to rest, but I figured I would somehow be able to find it. The only bit of help I had was a photograph my friend had sent me a few months ago of her son's resting place.<br />
<br />
I drove around the cemetery in the rain trying to look for his resting place, trying to use the other headstones as a guide. Originally I had planned to walk the cemetery looking at each headstone to find his resting place, but of course it was raining and my umbrella wasn't working. I drove around the cemetery 3 times and was starting to get really discouraged when I noticed I had driven right up to his gravesite.<br />
<br />
I got out of my car, and felt the cold December rain coming down on me. I walked over to his grave, knelt down and cried for this deeply missed baby boy. I talked to Andrew and my Evangeline and told them they are both loved and missed. I wished them both a very special first Christmas in heaven, along with all of the other sweet babies who are missed this year. As I walked away I blew them kisses to heaven. Even though it was cold and rainy, and I shed some tears, it was a very nice visit.<br />
<br />
And I made sure to leave Andrew a bright, shiny penny before I left.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-40581521477840295272013-12-03T21:59:00.001-05:002013-12-03T23:25:14.171-05:00A belated ThanksgivingOn Thanksgiving I was bitter, sad and downright angry... But today I had an uplifting moment and wanted to acknowledge a few things I am thankful for in the midst of my sadness...<br />
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First, I am thankful to be Evangeline's mom. I held Evangeline her whole life. She was wanted and loved from the very beginning. Although I wish the outcome was different, I was reminded today that sometimes an opportunity is more important than the outcome. I had the opportunity to carry her and be her mom and I always will be her mom. She is my shining star and I am so honored to be her mom. I do still miss you dearly little girl, and I always will, but even though I will miss all of your milestones, I am still thankful to have had you, even just for a moment.</div>
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I am also thankful for the family and friends who have loved and supported us through our loss. Your love and willingness to listen has helped to give me a hand to pull me back out of that pit of despair and steady my steps. I'm sure it may be difficult to relate if you haven't been in my shoes, but please know I truly appreciate your willingness to try to understand where I am coming from.</div>
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I am deeply thankful for all of the wonderful, loving people I have met in my life because of Evangeline. There are so many lovely moms and dads I would never have met if it weren't for Evangeline. And even though I wish we all met under much different circumstances I take comfort in knowing that our beautiful, deeply missed babies brought us together.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-68617153044256963992013-12-02T10:58:00.001-05:002013-12-02T10:58:12.212-05:00They grow up too fastI have a whole new perspective on the phrase "they grow up too fast." It's NEVER too fast... I'd rather have it be "too fast" than never grow up at all. I know people use that phrase because they feel like they blink and their child is already one, then in kindergarten, high school, etc... And believe me I used to say that with Mariah... But now... Now my days are going too fast for another reason.<br />
<br />
It's been too long since I've gotten to hold my baby at all... I wouldn't mind holding her as an almost 7 month old wondering where the time has gone and thinking "they grow up too fast." But instead I just try to picture the only day I got to hold her and wonder where the time has gone. How has it been so long since I held her in my arms? What I wouldn't do to see her as a happy little 7 month old... She could grow up as fast as ever and I'd be as happy as can be. I only ever get to remember her as the newborn baby girl who never had that chance.<br />
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"They grow up too fast"... Or sometimes they don't grow up at all. *sigh*Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-81327366157608212852013-12-01T16:42:00.004-05:002013-12-02T09:53:29.969-05:00Bah humbugYesterday we went to chop down our Christmas tree. I tried to have a good day, but in the back of my mind I couldn't help thinking about how this should be Evangeline's first Christmas. Tears filled my eyes as we listened to Christmas music on the drive there, again when we walked around to find our perfect tree, and once again when we were putting decorations on the tree at home. Our little girl should have been with us on the car ride there. I should've carried her around the farm to pick out our perfect tree. She should've been playing on the floor while big sister Mariah helped put ornaments on the tree...<br />
<br />
This time of year is something I always look forward to. Some years I can't even wait until after Thanksgiving to start decorating. Ryan usually laughs at how early I am with decorations... But this year, if it wasn't for Mariah I wouldn't do anything.<br />
<br />
I'm not cheerful or joyous this holiday season. I am hurting, and the pain is unbareable. I've cried more in the last week than I have in months. The holidays are too difficult to face when you have a broken heart and an empty crib.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-91629921621995826822013-11-27T12:52:00.000-05:002013-11-27T12:52:03.278-05:00An un thankful ThanksgivingI wish I could be all sorts of happy and thankful this year...<br />
<br />
But what should I be thankful for...<br />
The sleepless nights without my baby?<br />
The overwhelming anxiety when faced with babies who are the age my daughter should be?<br />
The realization that people would rather ignore my daughter's existence than talk about her?<br />
The unfairness of the entire situation?<br />
<br />
Yea, sorry... I'm not thankful. I'm just all sorts of sadness and hopeless with a dash of anger this year.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-37142044768782491502013-11-20T11:40:00.002-05:002013-11-20T11:40:36.787-05:00Should I hide my pain?I feel so battered down, as though I should just hide all of my feelings because they aren't the feelings that are expected of me. I'm sorry, I can't control what hurts my feelings, or what triggers my deep sense of loss... I can't magically make the hurt all better... All I want is some support while I'm experiencing those feelings of hurt.... Not to be made to feel as though I need to suppress my feelings.<br />
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I guess I've reached the point where I should just pretend that everything is ok because people expect me to be ok now. Maybe I will just bury my pain deep down inside myself because when I reach out for support I'm made to feel as though I'm overreacting. It would probably make other people more comfortable around me if I pretend that everything in my life is perfect and that certain things don't hurt me.<br />
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I just want someone to be there for me when I'm feeling down, even if they don't fully understand... Please, all I ask is just hold my hand and say you're there for me on my journey through grief.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-20705244040002943542013-11-18T10:25:00.001-05:002013-11-19T16:57:27.924-05:00She existedSunday, at a family get together it was reaffirmed that my daughter doesn't count in our family because she isn't here. Obviously they didn't directly come out and say she doesn't count, but in the count of the grandchildren it was as plain as day to me that she was not included. I piped back "We have two children." but there was still a lack of understanding and I was left trying to validate my point when everyone else wanted to forget the subject even arose.<br />
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It certainly threw off my entire day, a day I was hoping to enjoy with family we rarely see. Secretly I wanted to go home right away or run as far away as possible. But I sat there and didn't say a word about my feelings for my husband's sake. I just felt very down and out of it the entire day.<br />
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I get it, most people didn't meet her so she's not on their minds... But I just want my daughter remembered. She existed. She deserves to be remembered. I refuse to sit back and watch her memory fade away.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-22325189199247962812013-11-15T23:50:00.001-05:002013-11-15T23:50:37.075-05:00Acrostic<b>E</b>veryday I think of you.<br />
<b>V</b>isions of me holding you.<br />
<b>A</b>ngels took you home that day.<br />
<b>N</b>o longer in my arms to stay.<br />
<b>G</b>o on sweet girl and fly free.<br />
<b>E</b>ventually with you I'll be.<br />
<b>L</b>osing you was heaven's gain.<br />
<b>I</b>n our hearts you will remain.<br />
<b>N</b>ever far from Mommy's mind.<br />
<b>E</b>vangeline, you're one of a kind.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-50821646470107385272013-11-14T10:03:00.002-05:002013-11-14T10:03:52.634-05:00ThanksgivingThe other day while eating dinner Ryan asked what all we were going to make for Thanksgiving. I shrugged my shoulders and said "Really I don't feel like making anything..." I feel terrible saying that but last year Thanksgiving was when we told our parents we were expecting a baby.... I was so happy that day. And this year we were supposed to be thankful to have our baby here... And I'm not thankful this year, because she's not here.<br />
<br />
Ryan said we should at least make it a good memory for Mariah, and I get that... But at the same time we are still having a family get together before Thanksgiving so she will remember that. She's four... If we eat turkey and all the sides a week or two before Thanksgiving with family that's practically Thanksgiving to her.<br />
<br />
I feel like such a lousy person saying these things and I'm sure people think "You still have things to be thankful for..." Yes, I know I do, but I'm still too sad and angry at the world right now.... The only thing I <b>really</b> want to be thankful for this year is not true. I wanted to be thankful for making memories with my two beautiful children... And although I have two beautiful children, I've been robbed of ever making memories with one of them.<br />
<br />
I'd much rather order chinese food, watch movies all day and forget that it's Thanksgiving day.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-79839116347237459592013-11-12T21:20:00.001-05:002013-11-12T21:20:27.885-05:00A shoulder to lean onI understand that everyone's lives continue on, but it's so hard feeling like Evangeline is forgotten. If she were here people would be asking about her and wanting to see pictures. Since she's not here nobody ever talks about her. At times I feel like people intentionally pretend she didn't exist... to make it easier on themselves so they aren't uncomfortable, and because they think it's easier on me to not talk about her.<br />
<br />
This past week was six months since we lost Evangeline and it was an incredibly hard milestone for me. On top of missing my baby I felt completely alone. I had an awful day at work and nobody really checked in to see if I was ok. I know it's nobody's responsibility to do so... I guess I was just hoping for someone's support.<br />
<br />
And then, when I thought that I should just get over it, and nobody cared... I received a package on my doorstep, sent with love from across the country. A friend I've never met in person (we met online 5 years ago when we were both pregnant with our first babies) became my shoulder to lean on. This beautiful person anticipated that the six month mark might be a difficult one for me. She sent a beautiful photo that she photographed and put Evangeline's name on, and a batch of homemade cookies. Her note simply said "Thinking of you all." but those simple words meant more than anyone will ever know. I cried. But my tears were tears of joy. The pain of losing my daughter was acknowledged and I wasn't alone in my pain. I felt like someone was holding my hand and missing her too.<br />
<br />
Thank you Hannah for lifting me back up on a day that I was so far down in my grief. I'm so grateful to have such a wonderful friend.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-57996995747541928432013-11-07T10:22:00.000-05:002013-11-07T10:22:07.351-05:006 monthsDear Evangeline,<br />
<br />
Today marks six months since you were born. I honestly have no idea where the last six months have gone. It hurts so much that six months were allowed to just fly by without you here. How does the world keep spinning without you in it? I don't know.<br />
<br />
One thing is for certain sweet girl, I have not stopped saying your name. Even though I'm sure some people probably think I should just be over it by now or I shouldn't talk about you anymore, I don't care. You are my daughter and I like to talk about you. I am proud of you no matter what. I love you and I will always miss you.<br />
<br />
I will always mother you and just because it's in a different way than people get to parent their live children I don't care if other people think it's strange. I will mother you by honoring your memory, by not letting the world forget about you, and by making sure you always know just how loved you are. You are our daughter, our second child. You will never be replaced or forgotten. How we wish that you were here with us.<br />
<br />
Love you forever,<br />
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MommyAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-16381205223945703372013-11-06T22:26:00.003-05:002013-11-06T22:26:50.238-05:00The same strugglesTonight, Mariah said to me, "Mommy, I hate babies..... I only love Evangeline. I hate all those other babies."<br />
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And I was faced with the reality that although we are on different levels, my sweet innocent 4 year old and I face the same struggles. How absolutely unfair that she needs to know this loss. How cruel that she misses OUR baby and doesn't understand why all these other babies are here and our baby can't be, just like me.<br />
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I gently said to her "I know Mariah... But I think Evangeline would be ok with us loving other babies too. So you don't have to hate them. Evangeline wouldn't want us to hate babies."<br />
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And she gave me a great big hug and said, "I looove Evangeline."<br />
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I do too, Mariah. I do too.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-88953352142276697512013-11-05T12:52:00.003-05:002013-11-05T12:52:55.707-05:00Pain<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Lately I've been doing a lot of doodling on my iPad. It's my way of getting my feelings out without typing. I guess I could use a pen and paper, but this is more convenient and I'm not wasting one hundred pieces of paper everyday. This one I did the other day, and even though it's simple, I feel like it pretty much sums up my grieving.</div>
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<a href="http://i1111.photobucket.com/albums/h470/robynoverstreet/f8fc53282b623270e0dd9606dbe05619.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://i1111.photobucket.com/albums/h470/robynoverstreet/f8fc53282b623270e0dd9606dbe05619.jpg" width="255" /></a></div>
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I miss her every single day. No matter how many tears I cry the pain will never full go away. Yes, I feel a sense of relief sometimes after I cry, but the dull aching pain is still there, and will always be there. Unlike the pain of a paper cut that will heal or even the pain from a bad breakup, I will never fully recover, I will never just get over it and move on to the next one that comes along.<br />
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I don't cry everyday now. I have many days where I'm able to joke and smile and not shed a tear the entire day. But the pain is still there, and on days when something triggers my pain it can still feel as strong as those first few days after we lost her. I really hate being in so much pain, but I take comfort in knowing my pain is because I love her and miss her that much. I hope she knows that. My tears aren't because I am weak, they are tears of love.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-84214976068317122652013-11-04T10:11:00.000-05:002013-11-04T10:11:45.178-05:00DaycareEveryday I take Mariah to daycare I have to walk by the first classroom... The infant room, where Evangeline should be dropped off. Most days I keep my face straight forward because I know looking in that room won't be easy. But some days I can't help but take a peek through the window and get sad while I watch the teachers rock and play with the little babies.<br />
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Last week a dad dropping off his child held the door open for me on the way into daycare. His child was in an infant carrier. I glanced down at the little boy. He was about the age that Evangeline should be. I couldn't help but wonder if they would have grown up to be friends at daycare... or maybe that little boy wouldn't even be at our daycare because Evangeline would have already taken his spot.<br />
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A month ago I picked Mariah up from daycare just before closing time. Near the end of the day the kids are all put into the same classroom, usually it's the school age classroom. That day I walked around looking for her and a teacher said, "Oh, Mariah is in with the babies!" I wanted to scream. Why in the world would they put her in that room knowing she is still trying to understand why her baby sister is not here, and knowing that I will have to go in there to pick her up? I got her out of that room as quickly as I could but it was so hard to not breakdown and cry right there in that room.<br />
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People think this gets easier, but that's not the case. There will always be these reminders for me.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2801394993936258632.post-89085478320508028402013-11-02T18:28:00.003-04:002013-11-03T00:22:34.926-04:00A monthly cycleEach month that passes by is just another reminder of what we are still missing from our lives. Each month begins with the hope that maybe, just maybe we will be able to catch our rainbow and so we cling to the thought of someday bringing home a baby to bring us much needed joy. The month is filled with worry, uncertainty, pleas, and a flicker of hope. And then, the end of the month comes and we see only one little line... One little line that throws me back into that pit of despair, because that one little line means that we still haven't caught our rainbow. Then my body agrees with that one little line and sheds the lining that I prayed would be the cushiony home for a new life.<br />
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Each month of trying to conceive since we lost Evangeline has been so difficult. Emotionally it's hard for several reasons. First, it is difficult to imagine trying to have another baby because we aren't trying to replace her. We are trying to share this love we have with a sibling for our girls. It's so mentally draining to feel kicked when you're down. The feeling of failing at the one thing that may really help you in your healing is very disheartening. When we were trying to get pregnant with Evangeline there was a slight disappointment when the test was negative and my period decided to show up. Now, that disappointment is on a whole new level. It is gut wrenching, agonizing, and often filled with tears.<br />
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It is also hard to see the people around me get pregnant with ease or unexpectedly. Don't get me wrong, Mariah was our pleasant surprise so I have absolutely nothing wrong with surprise babies, and I know these people love their babies as much as anyone who actively tries to conceive, it is just so hard to know that month after month we failed to achieve what these people got unexpectedly.<br />
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I just long for that idea of bringing home a baby again.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16661207848029844756noreply@blogger.com1