Today I get to share in a very special day for one of my beautiful cousins. I'm so incredibly happy for her to be marrying the love of her life, and I'm so happy to be there with them to celebrate the love in their lives. But as difficult as it is to admit, in a way I'm not looking forward to it... It has nothing at all to do with her wedding, it has everything to do with me.
This is the first time I will see my extended family since we lost Evangeline exactly 4 months ago today. I don't want to be that elephant in the room. You know, the person people are afraid to say anything to, so they stand very far away and just stare your way, not sure what to do. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable around me... Like my daughter dying is contagious or something, so they don't come too close. I want them to know it's ok to talk to me, and it's ok to talk about her if they wish... I might cry, I might not... but it's ok either way.
I'm afraid that me being there may put a damper on the atmosphere of the wedding... It's such a happy event, and I don't want my sadness to show or have it affect anyone else there. This is a day to celebrate, and I don't want anything less than that for my dear cousin.
But I just can't help it, I'm sad and afraid today.