Today is my due date for Evangeline. The fact that it's her due date isn't really what has been hard for me today... Most babies aren't born on their due date anyway. The hardest part about today is that we lost her on a Tuesday, exactly 3 weeks ago.
This morning all I thought about was how 3 weeks ago I went into work on Tuesday having contractions throughout the morning. I joked to my pharmacy technicians "Let's just hope I hold out until 1pm because that's when I go home, or at the very least until 11am because then the other pharmacist will be in." I was so absolutely naive to the situation that would unfold that day after I got home from work. It hurts to look back on those hours at work and remember how blissfully happy I was, and everyone around me was so excited for us.
After 1pm passed today, I thought of how I drove home and met Ryan in the kitchen to let him know we might be meeting our baby that day. He thought I was kidding until a contraction came on and he joked "I still have classes this week and finals next week, why are you doing this to me already?" Not only were his classes and finals interrupted, they were interrupted by a baby we couldn't even bring home.
I made it a point to not even watch the clock later on in the afternoon today. Evangeline was born at 3:32pm and if I had been watching the clock today the 20 minutes after that would be a cruel reminder of the 20 minutes I clung tightly to my husband crying, "I'm so scared Ryan, I'm so scared" while he told me "Just pray, just pray."
Three weeks ago right now, I would be holding my sweet baby girl... my sweet, lifeless baby girl. She would be meeting her grandparents for the first and only time, and getting her only family pictures taken with her mommy and daddy in the evening. How unfair is it that our first family pictures with our second daughter are also our last?
I don't want to relive that nightmare of a day, but I do wish I could hold her just one last time... And if that would mean I'd have to relive all the agonizing details of that day, I would... just to look at her beautiful face one last time, touch her hair and kiss her forehead.