Monday, May 20, 2013

A weekend away

We decided to take a trip to the beach this past weekend. We did this in the hopes of lifting our spirits; building sandcastles with Mariah would certainly be soothing to my soul. And it was... But I won't lie and say it fixed things....

I still broke down and cried everyday we were there. Sometimes it was for a few seconds or minutes and other times I cried for an hour straight. I was happy to be at the beach, but so sad for the reason we were there. If Evangeline was born healthy we would have been at home snuggling our new baby girl. My girl would never have the joy of playing in the sand or running from the waves as they came rushing in.

I wrote Evangeline's name in the sand near where the waves were coming into the shore. It looked perfect. I took a few pictures and smiled at the beauty her name added to the shoreline. Finally a big wave crashed in and washed her name away. I stood there and cried. Just as the wave had crashed in and washed her beautiful name away so suddenly, my sweet baby girl was taken away from me that suddenly too.

Mariah talked to her baby sister at the beach. When she wants to talk to Evangeline she bends her head down and talks to her heart. This is because we explained to her that Evangeline is no longer in Mommy's belly, she is in heaven and will always be in our hearts. Mariah asked if she'll be able to feel the baby in her heart and I told her that every time her heart beats it means her baby sister is still with her. Mariah told her sister all about how to build sandcastles and dig holes. As much as it makes me smile when Mariah talks to her heart, it kills me deep inside. This should NOT be the only way Mariah gets to talk to her "Ebangeline" as she calls her.

We went out to a nice restaurant to eat. Our waitress was pregnant. I don't dislike pregnant women or newborns, it is certainly not their fault my baby is gone, but right now it is very hard for me to be around them.... I only wish the best for them and would never, ever want anyone in the position we are in, but it's so hard for me to see them... I always think "that should be me" or "people should be oohing and aahing over my baby like that too." (Friends who are pregnant or have babies please do not take offense to this, it is just a hard time for me right now, in the beginning stages of my grieving process, over everything we and our little girl will miss out on.) I held my composure while she served us, until the table next to us started asking her questions about her pregnancy.... She was due with a baby girl next Saturday, three days before Evangeline's due date. And she had a four and a half year old at home, almost exactly how far apart my girls were to be in age. Talk about putting a dagger through my heart. I didn't cry while we were there but I certainly didn't hold back the tears when we got back to our room. It's not her fault, and I'm so happy she gets to answer those questions with a smile and be excited for the joy in her life. I just wish I still had that happiness as well.

I'm so grateful we were able to have a getaway to the beach. I loved watching Mariah have fun and smile. I just feel so bad that I spent much of the time completely overcome by grief.

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