The mornings are so hard for me. They bounce me back to this cruel reality that I'm living everyday. I wake up to the sound of the birds chirping outside my window with a headache and the feeling that I haven't slept in days. No matter what, I don't feel well rested. How can I? I shouldn't be well rested because I should be up all night taking care of a newborn, but instead I feel drained everyday from this emotional burden that has been placed upon me.
I used to love to hear the birds chirping outside my window. Now they are just a reminder that a new day is to start without my daughter in it. How can there be such cheery chirping outside my window when I'm in so much pain? I just want to scream for them to shut up. There shouldn't be any happiness outside my window when I'm still dying inside.
It's so difficult to crawl out of my bed in the morning. I usually lie there at least an hour or two before I can finally convince myself to try to get moving. Ryan says I need to get out and do things to help ease the pain and just focus on how we can live now since we can't change the past. I understand what he's saying, and I'm glad he is able to do that, but I am just not ready to be at that point yet. Even when I do go places she is constantly on my mind. I like to think of her, and even though it makes me cry, I feel as though if I didn't have those moments to cry I wouldn't feel right and I wouldn't be going through my grieving process. For me, I NEED to cry. Believe me, it's painful when I cry and all the moments of that day come back, but afterward I feel some sort of relief.
Well, I've finally convinced myself to get up for the day. Here's to hoping it's an easier day than every other day these last 2 weeks.
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