Tuesday, May 21, 2013

My biggest fears

I've had so much extra time for my mind to wander these last two weeks. There are so many things that I've started to worry about. It would be so easy to worry about things pertaining to myself... but my worries revolve around Evangeline.

Are people going to forget about her and not acknowledge that she is a member of our family? I worry so much about this because she was, and is so very real to us. It would be unfair for her to not be included in anything. She is, and always will be, a member of our family. When people ask how many children I have I want to always include Evangeline. I have TWO daughters.... But I know with further questioning I'd have to explain that only one is alive and I know that'll just make the other person feel uncomfortable. I'm so worried that when I'm put in that situation I'll be tempted to lie and say I only have one daughter to avoid the awkwardness but I feel like I'll be betraying my sweet, beautiful Evangeline who doesn't deserve that. She deserves to be loved, remembered and thought of often.

Will people always feel uncomfortable to see pictures of my beautiful daughter? Just like any other parent I think my daughter is absolutely beautiful and would love to show her off to people... But I know others may find it strange to see pictures of her since she was born sleeping. It's not fair to her that I should be afraid to show people how absolutely perfect she was. From her sweet button nose to her long piano fingers and beautiful dark hair, everything was perfect about her.

Will she feel like I'm trying to replace her when we are finally ready to have another baby? This may seem illogical since she's not alive so how could she feel like I'm replacing her... But she's so special to me and I don't want to do anything to take away from how much she means to me. Nothing will ever replace my Evangeline, but I do still long to have a baby in our home. We were ready to have a baby in that yellow room upstairs. I still go in her room and rock in the recliner and talk to Evangeline. Hopefully one day I'll feel comfortable enough to allow another little baby to share the room that belonged to my Evangeline.

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