Thursday, May 23, 2013

My rock

Ryan has been my rock through all of this. When we got home from the hospital he made sure I ate. This may seem like a small feat, but I wouldn't have eaten without him cooking for me and placing it in front of me. I didn't feel like eating and sure as heck didn't feel like cooking. That first week I just sat around and did nothing. He took the reigns with Mariah and made sure she was fed, played with, put to bed, happy and knew she was loved. I kind of feel terrible with how disconnected I was to Mariah, but at least she probably didn't even notice because she had a daddy who made sure she was taken care of when I couldn't help.

With how strong he has presented himself I worry how much this is hurting him inside. Ryan has had to endure some of the most difficult parts of this ordeal... Talking to our parents on the day Evangeline was born, calling daycare after our baby was pronounced dead to arrange for someone else to pick up Mariah, and going to the funeral home to make arrangements for our daughter. I am so grateful for how much he has done to ease the burden off of me.

Ryan also was the one who came up with a way to break the news to Mariah that her baby sister went to heaven and was no longer in mommy's belly. I was dreading the conversation with my 4 year old and kept pushing it off. Ryan came up with the perfect idea to tell Mariah that even though Evangeline was no longer in mommy's belly she was always in our hearts. Just those simple words gave me such peace of mind in such a sad time. To know that we all will always hold her near and dear to our hearts is so important to me.

I at least got to spend every moment of my and her life with Evangeline for 37 weeks... Ryan didnt get 1 minute with her alive. That kills me. She also wasn't a very active baby in the womb. She didnt have crazy big kick sessions like Mariah did, so Ryan only felt her move a few times. It makes me sad that he didnt really get to bond with her like I did when she was alive.

I just want Ryan to know that he is a great husband and daddy. I wish I could take away his pain in this and give his baby girl back to him, because even though it was so very sad to see him hold our sweet Evangeline and talk to her, it was also one of the most beautiful things in the world. He was so gentle and sweet with her, making sure she knew she was loved beyond measure. He is so great with both of our girls, I just wish he had more time with our baby girl.

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