"Why do you hate babies so much? It's starting to piss me off. If anything you SHOULD be oohing and aahing over babies." Ouch, that stung.
That's what someone really close to me, who I thought might understand me, said yesterday when I was venting about babies around me.
No, no I shouldn't. Who the hell are you to tell me how I should be feeling anyway? If that baby is not MY baby, I should not be made to feel like I have to be oohing and aahing over them. As life goes on people will continue to ooh and aah over those other babies anyway.... Nobody ever oohed and aahed over MY baby, so why should I be made to feel as though in my time of despair I need to do that for others?
I want MY baby. I want to hold and play with and love on MY baby... And if I can't do that with MY baby, then seeing other babies makes my heart hurt.
Do I want those other mothers to be in my shoes? Heavens no. I would never wish this on anyone... But that doesn't mean I don't want what they have too. It doesn't mean I am not happy for them... Yes, I am happy for them, but more often than not, my own sadness, and hurt for my daughter outweighs the happiness I have for them.
So I use a defense mechanism...
When I think or say things like "that lady had her stupid baby crying at the register" or "at least my daughter doesn't have an ugly name like George/North West/etc..." I'm not saying it because I hate babies, or think they're ugly or stupid (I do still think little babies are cute). I would never say anything hurtful to someone's face about their baby and really I don't even mean the things I think... I'm merely thinking it to make myself feel better. I'm saying it because babies trigger my sadness and somehow I want to make myself feel as though they're not any better than my daughter who isn't here... Because that's generally the feeling I get... That my baby isn't as important because she isn't here.... Nobody gets to ooh and aah over her, or take pictures with her, or ask to hold her, or marvel over how big she is getting, etc.
So yea, thinking those things to myself may not be the kindest things to think, but if it's the only thing to make the sting of my baby being dead hurt a little less right now, don't crucify me for it.