Tuesday, July 23, 2013

So tired

I just wish I could get a good night of sleep and feel well rested in the morning... Actually I'd much rather have my baby here and NOT be getting a good night of sleep because I'd be up feeding her every few hours... I wouldn't even complain about being tired... I would enjoy every moment of it. But since that's not possible I want to be able to sleep without the terrible dreams that wake me up throughout the night. Often it's dreams about what happened or dreams that remind me that Evangeline is not here... But last night was something different.

I had a terrible dream about my living child. I dreamt that Mariah fell into a lake. I jumped in after her and after what felt like an eternity I scooped her up and brought her to the surface. She was not breathing, and her eyes were closed just as her sister's were after she was born sleeping... So I placed her on the dock and jumped out of the water. I tilted her head back and started to breath into her lungs, while thinking in my mind, "please, please don't take her too." Thankfully I woke up before I had to see the outcome.

Isn't it enough torture that I don't have my Evangeline here?! Why must I have these evil reminders of what I don't have and what I'm so afraid of happening again? Haven't I been through enough? I know, I know.... It could be worse.... There are moms who have been through worse storms than mine... But that doesn't ease my pain... Why can't we all just have our happy fairy tale babies?

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