Wednesday, July 10, 2013

A sibling lost

I always wanted my kids close together in age. My sister and I were only 2 years apart, and while we had our share of cat fights, we had so much fun growing up together. I wanted that for my kids. Mariah was born while I was still in pharmacy school and there was no way I could've handled another while in school. When I graduated in 2011, I still had to worry about getting established at a job and finding a place for our family to call home, so we decided to wait a while. When we got pregnant with Evangeline I was so excited for Mariah to have a sibling. Four years seemed like a big enough age gap. Everything in my life was finally falling into place.... good job, nice house, little one on the way. I was the happiest I had been in years.

Of course things don't always end up the way we plan.... And although my Mariah is a big sister, it isn't the way her friends are big sisters. She doesn't get to play with her sister, or help feed her. She can't hold her or try to make her laugh. I feel like I cheated my daughter out of having a sibling close enough in age to grow up with. It was best for us to wait to have a second child, and it's not my fault we lost Evangeline, but I still feel so much guilt that my Mariah is still alone... especially when I see other kids her age playing with their siblings. I just want her sister here so badly... So they could both share in that bond that only siblings have.

When we have another child Mariah will be at the very least over 5 years old... What does an elementary age kid and a high schooler have in common? Not too much... And that's how far apart in age they will be. It worries me that my living children will be too far apart in age to feel that bond my sister and I had.

*Sigh* It makes me so sick that I even have to type "my living children"... No mother should have to say that... Because that means she has a child who isn't living and it's just not fair. I just wish my Evangeline was here too.

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