Wednesday, July 17, 2013

A broken record

I haven't written anything lately because I feel like a broken record... I feel as though all I ever say is "I miss her.... I want her here... It's not fair.... etc". But all of those sentiments are true... And I guess rather than not write, I should at least portray my true feelings, whether they are new feelings, or the same feelings over and over again.

It's so hard to feel so stuck... I feel like a car stuck in the mud... You rev the engine and think you've got a chance of getting out of the mud, only to find after a forceful attempt that you're still stuck. Some days I feel like "yea, I got this... I'm gonna have a fabulous day, and nobody will ever know just by looking at me the pain I've experienced these past two and a half months." And I make a great attempt at it... But then the next day I'm still stuck in the mud, still feeling awful and still want nothing more than to have things be different.

They say when you lose a child you never return to the same person you were before... But you will find a new normal. You will be able to enjoy things in life again, but you'll always remember where you've been and your child will still be on your mind. I think on my good days I'm working towards that new normal. I will never fully be who I was before Evangeline, and well, in ways that is a good thing. I appreciate life more, I will never take things for granted, and I will cherish every moment I get with my Mariah and any future children while still mothering my angel.

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